To FootThese are selected purely on the basis that I personally like them. Corrections, and URLs, are welcome; but suggestions of others are not.
Some items cited here are absent because I have not found good enough renditions of them; I remember them roughly, but they need to be well-worded to work properly.
MOV -(PC),-(PC) ; 014747 octal
Think carefully about it!
The "Neil" joke.
The "Peruvian" joke.
The "Bagpipe" tale.
The "AA dog" tale.
The "Herr Bangemann (Sp)" tale.
Internally Painting the Mythical Palace.
An Englishman was travelling to a small Indian country town.
Alighting from the train, he saw that the town was some miles from
the station, so he took a taxi. Talking with the driver :-
Passenger : "It must be rather inconvenient
to have the station so very far from the town"
Driver, respectfully, apologetically, yet confidently :
"Oh Sahib, we had thought that it would be better to build it
beside the railway line."
Mr. T. (now Sir Terence) Wogan, of BBC R2, has I believe remarked to the effect that if the Millennium Dome were to be overturned, it would become the Great Wok of London.
I once read parts of an old book, probably "Million Random Digits with 100, 000 Normal Deviates", Rand Corporation (Dec 1955) (Amazon shows a later edition). The introduction described its composition. A computer had generated the digits and page layout, onto punched paper tape; this was then printed on a Flexowriter (or similar), ready for reproduction.
A sample of pages, it was said, had been fully proof-read, without error; the rest had just been looked at. One layout error was seen. It had been estimated that, of the possible electro-mechanical errors, about half would affect the value of a digit and about half would affect the layout. It was, therefore, stated that, of the one million random digits, probably one was incorrect.
I recall seeing, in the Daily Telegraph, an obituary of a late British Isles resident, the C-------- of C--------, who had evidently had a most admirable life without attaining very widespread actual fame. It contained a magnificent remark, very much along the lines of
He was both literate and legitimate (distinctions rare among C--------s), ...
In the "Three Fishermen" puzzle, three men each sequentially remove from a heap of fish both one fish and one-third of those then remaining - the question is to find the minimum starting number of fish.
It is said that the problem was presented to P.A.M.Dirac, the famous English mathematical physicist who predicted the positron as a place where an electron ought to be but isn't (I attended some of his later lectures; a modest man, who always therefore referred to Bose statistics as Einstein statistics, to preserve symmetry); and that he could never understand what was wrong with the answer "-2". The first man rejects a fish, leaving -3, removes -1 as a one-third share, so leaving -2 fish for the next man to find ...
Clearly, any multiple of 33 fish can be added, giving 25, 52, ...
After the 1914-18 War, many ex-Servicemen became smallholders; in particular, pig-breeding in Cambridgeshire. The famous academic and economist John Maynard Keynes was Bursar of King's College, Cambridge.
It has been said that, walking in the country one day, he discovered that some disastrous pig disease was rampant. Knowing, as he did, that lard was made from pigs, he astutely predicted a failure of the source of supply; and, expecting a substantial rise in price, he, as Bursar, invested heavily in lard futures.
What he had not known was that a substitute was available derived from whales, of which there was at that time an adequate supply, at a cost only slightly more than the normal price of lard.
The College thereby became in principle the unwilling owner of a vast supply of superfluous lard, described I hear as "a Chapel-full" - those of you who are familiar with King's College Chapel ...
I am unable to vouch for the truth of this tale.
Once upon a time, procedure for starting a certain mainframe computer required two operators; one initially, and a second ten minutes later. One Wednesday, the designated #1 was delayed past the arrival, with five minutes to spare, of #2. Therefore, #2 thought: "Woe - I am alone! Therefore, it must be Thursday, when I am #1, instead of, as I had supposed, Wednesday, when I am #2"; and therefore he told the machine that it was Thursday. To compensate, the following day was loaded as Wednesday.
Punched paper tape, as used with computers of a generation ago, was fun. We once inadvertently made a Van de Graaff machine with an Elliott 905; this was discovered when an adjacent colleague (bent over an ASR33) was zapped on the fundament.
We had been having trouble with tapes catching under the wheels of the 905, chairs, etc., the plastic laundry-bins being too small for a 5" diameter spool of tape. So we purchased a large, steel, plastic-wheeled bin. We had then been wondering why the 905 had got unreliable at loading long tapes (250cps opto reader).
Evidently the effect had been zapping the 905, except when discharged through Nigel.
We then fitted a nice well-bolted length of 3mm copper braid between bin and 905 - end of problem.
The physics involved was obvious, of course, by immediate hindsight.
Elsewhere, we had been using a small plastic dustbin for tape. One day, someone poured some unwanted liquid nitrogen into it. With a loud crack, the entire bottom broke into inch-square pieces. These we threw away successfully in the usual manner. We also put the bottomless bin out, but it just would not go; we deduced that the cleaners looked inside, found nothing in it, and went onwards.
There is a wonderful tale in a Dover book, which I would like to read again, about erroneous errata relating to certain Tables published annually; it took most of the 1830s to achieve a state not needing any further erratum notice.
"The Black Cloud", Fred Hoyle, Chapter Ten 'Communication
Established', paragraph 4 :-
"Dam' good idea. Always force foreigner to learn English,"
said Alexandrov to Yvette Hedelfort.
Weather Forecasting :-
"How do you tell what the weather is going to do in ... ?"
"Put your hand out of the window ...
if your hand stays dry, it's going to rain ...".
Seen in Risks Digest 20.47 :-
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.
They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place...
It is said that some versions of this tale, including that one, are exaggerated. See Risks Digest 20.76.
Taken from the Net (Daniel P. B. Smith <dpbsmith@world.std.com>) :-
I assume you know the (supposedly true) story about the dining hall in Cambridge or Oxford, which had an enormous clear span produced by simple brute force--one colossally huge single beam of wood. An entomologist got curious one day as to why it was sagging, got out his penknife, and found that the beam was riddled with beetles. Great concern because nobody knew where to get a single beam that big any more. Someone remembered there was a woods that belong to the college and, in fact, there was a college forester. Just for laughs they contacted him and he said, "Oh, yes, those beams always become beetly in about three hundred years, and I know exactly where to find the tree that was planted to replace it the last time this happened...."
Taken from the Net; seen in the Press :-
The following is from an actual radio conversation released by the (U.S.) Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995 :-
#1 : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2 : Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1 : This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
#2 : No. I say again, you divert your course.
#1 : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2 : This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Alternatively :-
"The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the Eastern Canadian coast, released by the US Chief of Naval Operations (on 1995-10-10?) after public requests. It is a timely reminder of the arrogance (and stupidity) of US imperialism.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three Destroyers, three Cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's one five degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!"
There may be typos above : versions seen differ slightly.
But the story is said to be false by Urban Legends and by the USN.
Taken from someone's oversize News signature :-
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots
stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a
marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by
airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered
and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand
penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when
the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the
opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then,
the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the
penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand
penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine sic.
Feb 2001 : but reported to be a myth, refuted by tests.
One day, Andrew Smith-Brown, Seamus O'Shaughnessy, Taffy ap Jones, and Hamish McSporran found themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Peter: "Now, tell me what you have achieved in your lives, and we shall see whether you may pass through these Gates. First?"
Andrew: "Well, actually, I did play cricket for England..."
Peter: "Unlucky soul - come in, we can comfort you. Next?"
Seamus: "Bejabers, and have I not served Father O'Flynn..."
Peter: "As he has said, indeed; in you come. Next?"
Taffy: "Look you, Bach, I was in the Treorchy Male Voice Choir..."
Peter: "Come in, come in, we can always use more tenors. Next?"
Hamish: "Och, weel, ..."
Peter: "Be off down there with you - we're not making porridge just for one here!"
The "Four Merlins" joke - possibly not tactful, internationally?
The POW "numbers" joke.
The "Zulu" joke.
The "Colour of Sheep in Scotland" joke.
| Few thought he was even a starter,
there were many who thought themselves smarter. But he ended PM, CH and OM, an Earl and a Knight of the Garter. By Clement Attlee, who did. |
| From the strain of composing the Iliad,
old Homer went balmy as Gilead; but a Doctor was sure he could effect a quick cure with the aid of a wonderful pill he had. Said the Doctor, "Though now a mere clod is he, very soon you'll a sound mind in his body see!"; and the Doctor was right, for the very next night, old Homer embarked on the Odyssey. |
| There was a young man of Japan,
whose limericks never would scan; he said "I know why! It is because I always try to put as many words on the last line as I possibly can". |
| There was a young man of Peru,
whose limericks stopped at line two. There was a young man of Verdun. |
| The end of the calendar year,
the dread Y2k will appear, the programs will crash, the banks will lose cash, and there'll be no-one still sober, I fear. |
| Brutus et sum jam for te, Caesar et erat;
Brutus sic in omnibus, Caesar sic in at. |
| There was a young man named Zerubbabel
who had a great big india-rubber ball; the rubber ball bust, Zerubbabel cussed, and his language was quite indescrubbable. |
|
A young fellow named Cholmondeley Colquhoun,
Once kept as a pet a babolquhoun, His mother said, "Cholmondeley, do you think it quite colmondeley, to feed your babolquhoun with a spolquhoun?" RJ of Lancs, DT Letters, 2002-11-30 |
| * | And some by me | * |
|---|---|---|
| Posting ancient jokes is an unwelcome act in our Demon newsgroups. |
Heeding RFCs is very greatly preferred by Richard Clayton. |
A Tenner a month is all that Demon gets of eleven seventy-five. |
| Severe transgressions deprecated by RC - FU to poster. |
Turnpike of Dorking provide Internet software better than Microsoft's. |
The staff at Turnpike assiduously strive for total perfection. |
| With SMTP my mail was held in limbo no punt connecting. |
I fetched an upgrade, configured my new software :- it is no better. |
Richard has written that he is on holiday - we had not noticed. |
| Unfortunately, omphalocentricity's a Merkin habit. |